Freedom Is Now!

While in Khayelitsha I spent a lot of time talking to Tilden (my South African dad) and his best friend Gibson. I just loved hearing their stories and I felt such a kinship to both of them. Tilden moved from the Eastern Cape to Khayelitsha in 1976 leaving behind one brother who still lives there with his family and just like everyone else now he only goes back to visit his homeland every year for 3-4 weeks at a time.

I had asked Tilden if he missed his old life, the life away from the city and he said to me, “The lifestyle of where we came from I think is far better than the life here. We are rich there and the reason why I say that is because there we plough and we get everything ourselves, we don’t rely on others. We get fresh products, fresh fruit and vegetables which we grow ourselves in the garden. We don’t have to buy anything because it comes from our own land. We just have to work, we have to plough and if there’s no electricity then there’s wood and we make fires. If there’s no light, we have the moon and the stars and if it’s dark inside the house we use the candle.”

I asked him if he couldn’t just sell his house and move back and to that he answered, “No because of my kids and all the grandchildren...I have three kids and 6 grandchildren and I have to think of them first and what their needs are and they are born in the city, they don’t know that life that I love so much. The generation of today is much different than my own and it is my children’s generation which is the life of being in the city, some of them have visited and experienced that life but they don’t like it, the times have changed. For them that world isn’t right for them anymore but to me it would be so wonderful if I could live there, it is where I was born and I feel rich there. If you went there you would never leave, I know what you like and you love the nature and the simple life....”

His answers pretty much explains why we got along so well, I am definitely not a city girl, I prefer to be surrounded by nature, I like to be close to our natural elements in the purest sense, and it is where I feel the most comfortable. You put me in the city and I feel completely displaced and so out of my comfort zone. I have a harder time relating to all the things that go on in the modern world and maybe that is partially because I have spent a good chunk of my life living a completely superficial life which never brought me much happiness, and now I’m able to see the beauty and importance of the more traditional ways of life. But the one thing that Tilden made me see differently was that it isn’t the life for everyone and we all should have the freedom to choose. I have to be honest here and I think deep down inside I couldn’t see the positives of a life in the city, I was kind of stuck in seeing that only the traditional way of life is worth living and that anything else was superficial but that is such an ignorant way to think and Tilden made me question my own truth and see that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture, that I wasn’t understanding that the more traditional life definitely isn’t right for everyone and for that I am so grateful. Everything in life boils down to the freedom to choose the life we want to live.

Now let me introduce you all to Gibson, he is such an incredible man, I just love him and him and Tilden have been friends for years and they work together doing welding work building gates, burglar bars for the windows and doors. The first time I met Gibson, I was over at Tilden’s and he was sitting outside in his usual chair eating his breakfast in the sun and I asked him my usual question, what is love? And he answered, “Love is...what can I say love is when I love another and say ‘I love you’ and when that love comes from my heart.” Gibson is 79 years young, he was once married with five children but they have all passed away leaving him all alone.

Gibson is one of the funniest people I know, all he did was make me laugh I had asked him what his profession used to be and he replied with such a straight face, “I was a thief, since I was 18 years old I lived my life as a thief...” In the background Tilden bursts into the loudest laughter telling me he’s lying and then Gibson butts in saying, “no it’s the truth I really was a thief...” but now he’s having a hard time keeping a straight face and finally comes clean and tells me that he was a gold miner in Johannesburg. Then I asked him what were some of his best memories and Tilden jumped in and said, “fighting when he was drunk...he used to always get into fights!” Gibson did not agree with that at all and told me he was lying and then the two of them just burst into laughter again.

Once the laughter died down Tilden spoke up and said, “Gibson is a music maker, he’s always with the guitar...he loves music!” As soon as he said this Gibson got excited, got up out of his chair and decided he had to go to his house in E section to get his guitar so that he could sing me a few songs and about 20 minutes later he was back with the biggest grin on his face ready to sing his heart out for me. This ended up becoming a habit from that day onwards because from that moment every time I came by the house he would be there with his guitar ready to sing for me and I loved every second of it! I miss them.

And here for your viewing pleasure I introduce to you Gibson!

Today I’m not in the best of places, things around me feel heavy but I think it’s just because I’m missing the intensity of the love I experienced in Khayelitsha but to lift myself out of this feeling I’ve been listening to music and it’s made me think about the music I listened to and discovered in South Africa. One of the things I so loved about being there was how vibrant life was especially in Khayelitsha, actually Khayelitsha is really the only place I know and feel connected to in South Africa, it’s the only place I spent time in, I didn’t go anywhere else, it just sucked me in and I didn’t feel like going anywhere else.

One of the most amazing things about it there especially once Friday comes around is that everyone is out and about, and as you walk through the neighbourhoods you hear music from all directions blaring out through the walls of almost every home, it seriously felt like walking into a night club but in the middle of the day...I really loved it, everything felt so alive and it didn’t just feel alive it is alive. There everyone has such vibrant colourful energy, people dancing, people singing, people smiling and people who know how to have a good time. You know the saying, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” well that to me sums up the way of life there, everyone knows how to just Be, to Be and Be Happy at the same time, I felt so in my element and now I’m in London and it’s just so different.

Right now I’m relaxing, enjoying the moment listening to some reggae music by my friends Scratch Israel & Magnificent, two amazing guys I met while I was still there. Their music has so brightened everything in my day...and it’s made me go back into my memories of the day when I met them, it’s actually a story that really makes me smile...

From the moment I got to South Africa I was on a mission to find some Rastafarians so that I could listen to some reggae music and towards the end of my stay while Audrey, Vicki , her son and I went on a long walk to Khayelitsha mall...we were called over to a fruit stand in a dusty field by Scratch Israel & Magnificent... they were all such sweet guys...filled with love bearing open hearts...I had noticed a drawing of Halie Selassie on their container, which immediately made me smile and think of my times in Ethiopia...

Meeting them on this day couldn’t have been more perfect because they were all pure love and I happened to be on a mission that day to walk around town spreading love (I needed photos for my Simple Acts of Love article). As we approached them I asked them if they would be a part of my what is love project and then I asked them if I can give them all hugs...they looked at me a little unsure at first but then I said, “I’m trying to spread the love!” They all laughed and said of course, let’s spread the love! They opened up the container in the back so that Audrey and I could get in and as I walked in ducking under the many different little spaces I had to walk through to get to where they were I noticed that the walls were covered with newspaper clippings of their various performances and write-ups about them, pictures of halie selassie, all the reggae legends, symbols of love, peace and freedom.

I was so happy being there in that moment because it was such a nice change of scenery from having to listen to the south African house music which was the only thing I had been able to listen to, although even though I hated it at first, on the last couple of days I was there it actually grew on me, and I could connect with it and I appreciated the energy it created...but anyways as I was saying, we had such a great time with our new friends and I felt right at home, they all had such incredible energy and I could have stayed and hung out with them all day if it weren’t for the fact that I had to go with my friends to run errands at the mall but they really did make me smile that day and brought a lot of peace into my heart...

So because they have touched my heart, I felt like sharing some of their songs with you, I hope you all enjoy!!!

It’s almost been two weeks now since I’ve been back in London and I can still remember my last day in Khayelitsha as if it were today. I woke up that morning before the sun was even out, it was still dark and the wind was blowing at its strongest which it always does right before the sun prepares to show its face, it’s almost like nature’s way of a drum roll...preparing the crowd for some magnificent appearance!

Anyways I got up so early that morning because I wanted to make sure that I would get a chance to say goodbye to Hebert & Derek before they left for work because by the time they got home I would already be at the airport. I was going to miss them, we had lived together for the past month in the same house and it was going to be strange not to see them every day. Once we said our goodbyes, I waved them off and went to make my usual morning coffee, grabbed the keys to the upstairs balcony and went out and sat in my usual spot. Looking out into the bush, watching the same herder who I had come to love from a distance, direct and guide his goats, it hit me how much I was going to miss Khayelitsha, it almost seemed wrong to leave because it really felt I was leaving home, that I was moving out, it was a strange feeling but not a feeling that I’m not used to. I have felt that same pain in my heart of leaving somewhere many times in my life.

My thoughts went to Audrey & how incredible she is and how proud I was of her for taking that first step into the unknown, I know how hard it is to do so, but she chose to take her life into her own hands and create change and for people like that I always give the greatest applauds.

My thoughts then moved on to Belinda, and how I wished I could see her one last time before I left but that I knew probably wouldn’t happen because she was working that day, I also had some regrets which is unlike me but there was someone who I was thinking about who I had already tried to get out of my mind but for some reason my heart wouldn’t let me, and I just really wished that we could have had one last conversation but it was too late, it’s never a nice feeling when we feel that something was left unfinished. It was a bitter-sweet morning but I snapped out of it, got up and packed all my things and then went to the store to buy some credit for my phone, which was a little annoying since I was leaving in only a few hours but needed to make some calls.

On my back from the shop who did I run into?! Belinda!!! I couldn’t believe it...I thought I was dreaming...we walked together back to her house and I gave her all of my numbers and told her I loved her and that I was really going to miss her...I felt so relieved to be able to see her again, and it was a very teary-eyed see you later.

I only had a few hours left but I still had lots to do, I had to be at Khuti’s Home Care and Development centre at 9:30AM which is a home for severely disabled or challenged children ranging in age from 0-18 years. It felt like I was running out of time, I gave myself 15 minutes to walk over to the police station where I was supposed to meet Khutala who would then take me to the house which was in A section.

Once at the station I called her and she was on her way and after greeting each other with big hugs and a 5 minute walk through a field and down a street we arrived at her house where I stepped into a room with 4 children, 3 in wheelchairs and one little baby who can’t stop walking in his little roller chair, he’s not one of the children that stay here though he is her grandson. Immediately I could feel all the love in that house, Khutala is a woman with a big heart. They face a lot of challenges since they are not funded, they depend solely on the contribution paid by parents towards their children’s stay in the centre and some of the things she told me that they really need are diapers, pots & stoves, toiletries, clothes, blankets, detergents, wall heaters, washing powder, food processor and kettles.

It was a beautiful morning and the sun was shining in through the windows into the immaculately clean room and lit up all the little faces of the children. I immediately went up to each little sweetheart, giving all of them many hugs and kisses while introducing myself to them. These children captured my heart in the very first instant I saw them. My heart turned to goo, if you all haven’t noticed I have a soft spot for kids... All my attention were on the kids, I forgot that I was there to talk to Khutala, but the kids had to come first because to me it’s rude not to give them the love before I sit down to have a chat awhile I was consumed with these kids she told me that there was a 12 year old girl who was in another room that I had to meet, and I don’t know what it was about this little girl but I felt such a strong connection with her.

I felt pain from the thought of having to leave her and I only spent maybe 20 minutes with her, she was such pure love, she had the most beautiful open and loving energy about her and I didn’t want to leave her, I wanted to spend more time with her... She was like this little bright light that created some sort of spark within me, she was like a kitten, the way she would rub her head against me back and forth in such a graceful cat like way, she had the energy of pure love, and I really felt honoured to have had the chance to meet such a beautiful soul.

I went back into the other room and spent about an hour or so chatting with Khutala, hearing about how she started this project and why she wanted to do it and I couldn’t help but think how many incredible people there are on this earth, people who follow their dreams and never give up... And it was a wonderful way to spend my last few hours in Khayelitsha. But as with all beautiful moments, they evolve, they change and I had to get going in order to be ready for when Andrew was coming to pick me up.

I said good-bye to Khutala and the children and walked back to the house (Ekasie), and made myself another cup of coffee and hung out with Yolisa until I had to leave. I was really going to miss her too, she had become a permanent fixture in my life for the last month because she worked at Ekasie and we saw each other every day, she’s an amazingly sweet person and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I was going to miss Khayelitsha even though I knew that I’d be back and that it wasn’t going to be my last journey there...

The time passed so quickly because all of a sudden there was Andrew and his friend and their chauffeur. We arrived at the airport super early and we had a lot of time before our flight took off so we decided to grab something to eat before we boarded since neither of us are huge fans of airplane food. A few hours later we were on the plane and up in the air when a while into the flight we were told we had to go back, because there was a problem with the engine but first we had to empty all the fuel which took a long time, it wasn’t certain if we would be able to continue our journey home to London that night or if we would all have to get off the plane and take a new flight in the morning...all I could think was oh please, let us just be able to stay on the flight, I wasn’t in the mood to have to deal with everything that would have been involved if we would have had to do that but luckily after being delayed a good three hours we were able to continue our flight to London.

Unlike the trip from London to cape town this time I couldn’t sleep at all, and the flight felt like it took forever. Andrew on the other hand told me it was one of the most comfortable flights he’s been on and I was so happy that he was able to sleep most of the way because last time it wasn’t as nice for him so at least one of us had a wonderful time:) and now here I am in London where it is sooo cold but at least it gives me an excuse to get all cosy with the blankets...sweaters...thick socks...scarves...mittens...and more blankets!

I was going to transcribe what Khutala told me and then write it but I thought why not just upload it as a video and then all of you can hear her speak through her own voice about her experiences of having a home and also hear her speak of why she feels so strongly about helping the children. She’s a beautiful human being.

Realisations in Khayelitsha

When there is trust, there is honesty and when there is honesty there is truth and when there is truth there is freedom and when there is freedom there is love and where there is love there is peace.

If we are honest with ourselves we are honest with each other, and this is the only way we can begin to understand each other, honesty and truth must always be present. The thing is honesty and trust go hand in hand, if you are not honest and truthful with yourself it will be hard for you to trust another person. Truth & Honesty to me are the most important things. Without these two things, love cannot exist.

Being open with my feelings to others when I feel hurt has always been hard for me, I tend to always just bypass that point and go directly to my own understanding of it but I don’t express them. This trip has truly opened me up; this entire trip has been about honesty and truth. I’ve been taking a good look at myself in the mirror and I see now how I haven’t been honest with myself, now I am able to speak openly about my experiences which is exactly the way I used to be except for back then if you would have heard me talk about them you would hear an entirely different voice, a voice that was filled with fears, doubts and so many restrictions.

When I learned how to be a healer, I should never say learned as if it is in past tense because I am forever learning but there was a period where someone close to me made me suppress these things by not making me feel free to do so, that I shouldn’t be so open, that there are things we need to keep to ourselves and during this time even though I didn’t agree, I wanted the experience of being that way so that I could understand both sides.

Now this is the first time in my life that I’ve been so open and free with my own emotions since I’ve been back out in the world, since I had spent to so much time detaching from them, it’s almost like I had to relearn everything, that is why I say I am a student of life, this world is my university. Now if I could only get some grants for that, then life would be really incredible.

This trip has all been about accepting love not just giving love...

Audrey has made me see everything so clearly...me and her are so alike. She said to me you give love to everyone but who gives you love? Who cares for you and takes care of you? All I see is you giving love to everyone else. I said but that’s just my path. She said I know but you still need to have someone you can talk to, I realised how she is right, I am human and I am no different, it’s crazy really because me and her are facing the same personal issues just in a different way...we both do everything for others but keep to ourselves when someone hurts us, we don’t want to be seen as weak, it’s our false pride that becomes our own hang-up sometime.

This past year and a half I have been hurt so much. When I actually think about it is amazing...It really is...it’s been a period of such constant pain yet at the same time extreme bliss...and through each and every time I’ve been hurt I have never ever expressed it...I could never admit that I was hurt, just this past December I did tell someone they hurt me, specifically my father and what did he do? He couldn’t deal with it and told me to never call again. But I have no regrets for the first time in my life I feel at peace with that situation because I was honest and in life that is all I can ever be.

I’m honest about everything else in my life but I’m dishonest when it comes to anything where my feelings are hurt. I realised that I have always been afraid to admit to someone when they have hurt me. Especially now since I understand their behaviour, so I always just accept it because I genuinely do understand where they are coming from but the thing is I still feel, I’m just a human being going through life with all my senses wide open and I do feel pain and I feel it intensely because I have made myself so sensitive....it’s one of the occupational hazards of being a healer but I wouldn’t change it for anything, I love that I’m able to feel fully.

What I love about being here in Khayelitsha, South Africa is that all my experiences I have had and the connections I have made have allowed me to become more aware of certain truths about myself. This journey has made me look over the past 5 years more specifically the last year and a half and made me aware of how I haven’t been absolutely honest with myself when it comes to my own feelings and since I’ve been here I have been so honest with everyone about everything...I feel openly and freely without fear and this has opened my heart even more and allowed even more love to come to me and it has been the most beautiful experience and I am so happy for this realisation because my life will never be the same, it will be better than I ever imagined.

Khayelitsha, South Africa

I feel like writing about love yet again, love is everything to me and since I’ve been in South Africa love has been the main topic of conversation. What I have learned is that the only way I genuinely gain a true understanding of anything is if there is love present. I live for LOVE. I have learned so much more about LOVE since being here in Khayelitsha. Love is the most incredible thing in the world, without love we are not complete. This WHOLE TRIP has all been about love, honesty and understanding. Even when I was staying at Derek’s house he had done a documentary about love! Love is of its own creation, you cannot control it at all, love just IS.

I feel I love more now than I have ever loved before on all levels, I have opened up so much more and I no longer hold back, I just let go and allow the energy of love to catapult me wherever it is supposed to...it carries me like the wind carries the sand...when I love everything has to be free, there can’t be any hidden thoughts...everything has to flow, openly and honestly. I have learned so much about honesty this last week and how love can’t exist without it. I’ve found myself in an entirely new situation this past week, a situation I’ve never been in before and it’s been an incredible journey and I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before... Khayelitsha is the easiest place to make friends and I have made some incredibly strong connections here, and they are connections I never expected and those ones are always the true ones, the real ones, these connections come along when we allow ourselves to live in the unknown and stop trying to control nature...

I’m really going to miss all of my new friends here...I really am...My heart hurts a little just thinking about leaving but everything in life ends, everything flows in cycles, everything evolves but I love all the present moments I am having with all the love in my heart. Everyone I have met here has made me a better person, they have all allowed me to see myself in a new way and they will forever have a place in my heart. They have all taught me taught me so much more about love. I really love my life; I can’t believe I am here. I live my dreams. I no longer dream in the way I used to dream, before my dreams felt distant now they feel present in every moment of my life.

I just had a thought about how everyone tells me, well not everyone but it’s something I hear all the time wherever I go is that I can’t be so friendly and smiley with everyone, I heard that in Palestine, I heard that in Um Sayhoun and I’ve heard it here in Khayelitsha but that is who I am and I will never stop being who I am just because other people do not understand me, that is their issue not mine.

If I wouldn’t be the way I am I would never be able to have the experiences that I am having and I believe there is nothing wrong with being the way I am because I am my true self, I’m not concerned with how other people may perceive me. In life all we can be is ourselves and I want to be friendly and smiley with everyone because that in itself is an act of love even if it is a small act but giving someone a smile can transform them in that very moment, maybe they are having a bad thought, a bad day and receiving a smile from stranger might just be what they needed to free them of that thought.

I believe it’s the little things that matter in life, so often we get caught up in only seeing the bigger picture, seeing the giant issues that the world faces, the hatred, the fears, the wars, the violence that we forget that change starts now in this moment, in every action we do, we have to be the change we want to see in the world. To me I believe that in order to solve the issues in the world is only through changing ourselves within, opening ourselves up to our true self, the person we are free from restrictions, it’s when we live our lives in accordance to our higher self, then the true ever-lasting changes can begin to evolve because to change the world we have to take the first little step, we can’t get trapped into thinking that there is no hope that there is nothing we can do, we cannot ever allow ourselves to feed into hopelessness, everything changes, everything evolves, we are the answer, each and every one of us, all we have to do is look within and makes small changes. Just begin with changing ourselves so that eventually that very change within us turns outwards and touches the hearts of all those we meet.

One thing I love about being here is that everyone is affectionate with each other and there is not that fear of getting close to someone, the concept of personal space is non-existent and I love it, to me it’s how life should be, we should be open and free, we should all be the very extension of love itself. It is such a change for me to be in this kind of environment & it has really made me reflect on my experiences in Palestine and my village, Um Sayhoun and the thing that is missing in the middle east is the physical acts of love...oh I can see where your minds just went...I made you guys think about sex...ha! no I’m not talking about sex...I’m talking about the simple act of being able to hug each other openly and freely in the middle of the street. From my personal experiences there, the majority of people stay away from human contact when out in the open, not everyone but most do.

People don’t really hug each other, men hug men and women hug women but it’s never mixed and it’s been so nice to be in my element here where that is not an issue here everyone gives out love and that is such a beautiful thing and it’s so important.To me it’s the only way I want to be...Even in England people aren’t really affectionate with each other. My times in California were also great because there everyone is affectionate too. It’s another act of love; a hug can brighten someone’s mood instantly. Human touch is so important...without it I would just wither away.I need it. I understand that there are cultural differences for instance in the middle east but I don’t see why that one needs to stay so hardened into place, to me it’s beyond culture, it’s about being human and the needs of a human being.

When I’m in the Middle East giving out love has been more of a challenge because I’m a woman & I’m not supposed to hug the opposite sex, but the thing is with me I see people, I don’t care what the colour of your skin is, what nationality you are, what religion you may be, whether you are male or female, I just see people. Sometimes my actions when I’m in the middle east have been taken the wrong way or misinterpreted but the thing is I never stopped being who I am because there are certain things about me that I can never push aside even if that conflicts with another person’s culture, even if that means I may be judged or gossiped about by others because these things to me are restrictions, they are external restrictions but they only become that if I allow them to.

I see everyone I have met in the Middle East as pure love because they really are; they have such incredible love within and if they just brought that love out externally that love would be so intensified. I understand their reasons and I’m not saying that they are wrong in their way and I would never ever expect them to live the way I live but I’m a dreamer and I just wonder what it would be like there if those barriers didn’t exist..what would it be like there if everyone could just hug each other for the sake of hugging, I mean a hug is an act of love and hugs are important, the human touch is important not something to be ashamed of...

I am not afraid to love, I am open and I no longer hold back my love, I allow it to pour out of me freely without fear. Here my love has opened up, I feel freer than I have ever felt before. I am not afraid to be me and to let others in but I used to be...oh god if all of you could just visit the inner workings of my mind and my daily inner thoughts I used to have when I was younger, none of you would believe how insecure and scared I was. I believe that Love is the way that will create the world we want to live in I guess I can only speak for myself and I know that for me, love is the only path I want to be on because it has already freed me in ways I never thought possible.