It's Time To Fly!

I have been living in the purely physical world for the past 7 months and today I mediated for the first time I was at a point where I felt so lost and disconnected from everything I had ever learnt or knew everything I believed became disbelief everything I had ever felt became consumed by fear. Everything I knew all that I had learnt I had let go and became wrapped up in all of the things I fought 10 years to become free from. Everything I fought against had consumed me bigger than ever before. Today I have sat down and I need to understand this. I need to understand why, why things that seemed so normal became so un-normal everything that I believed to be true became untrue or was it me the universe everything bigger than you and I testing me testing me to see if I had really learnt anything to see if I really had grown as a human being to see if I really had understood any of it along the journey. Did I really understand anything? During my meditation many things surfaced but the site, this site came into my mind constantly and as I came out of meditation for the first time in 7 months I picked up my laptop and wrote this...

Today I understand that we need the spiritual every single human being on this planet needs to connect with the spiritual without the spiritual we are not whole. It sounds simple and you will be thinking of course we all know that but the difference is I knew it but I had never felt it before in such an extreme way a way that gives you a total understanding. I have detached from this part of me consciously and the world feels like turmoil, everything in it, in me, my emotions, my mind and my spirit. Before I wrote this I came to the website and looked at my last writing my last writing that had such understanding such freedom, how am I different?

The only difference is I lived purely in the physical, no meditation, no freedom, consumed by the day to day struggle of a physical existence. The two parallels are when you are connected good things come to you, things open up, your words become free, you have love pure love for everyone and everything a love that is indescribable a love that surpasses everything, you really do become a force of nature and that force of nature is within every single one of us. Without that connection being cultivated you become, consumed, controlled, confined you cannot see the way out, you cannot see at all.

The most interesting thing in all of this is that I have seen through both eyes. To make it simple I will give you three stages. The expectation, the exploration, the experimentation. I have seen the expectation, felt the expectation. The expectation stage was a mixture of both the physical and the searching for something, something more but not knowing what you are searching for. In that searching your mind connects you on a spiritual level, you are tapping into it periodically begging to find something to show you the way, during your search you tap into all different types of spiritual awareness. You then either withdraw or wander in with all the expectation of something amazing happening and it does. This leads you into the exploration to finding yourself, the true you, in stages little by little you begin to open up, things change, things occur that you never thought possible, you begin to see with new eyes, the world seems crystal clear, you gain a clarity of thought, a certainty, a trust in you. You trust you. Everything you say and everything you do. You lose any fear, you become free.

To live with this type of freedom is the most fantastic feeling in existence it is bliss there are no other words to describe this feeling it is complete and utter bliss, a serenity of the soul. When we find this anything is possible absolutely anything. Everything changes, you change therefore everything around you changes, you touch one person in a positive way they touch the next person in a positive way that is two people changed and the snowball effect begins. The more people that are likeminded when they come together the energy becomes unstoppable a true force of nature. Anne and I have this energy when we are together and things change.

Speaking of Anne we haven’t spoken properly for a few months since she went off to do the peace cycle we send the odd email saying “thinking of you” and that has been it. In most peoples eyes this would be strange they would think that the friendship wasn’t a proper friendship but it is the opposite. We know what is there, we know the connection, and we trust, we trust that it is always there and it is. I am going to send this to Anne today and ask her to put it up on the site, having not spoken to her and I know how she will react I have no doubt at all how she will react. She will understand the journey I had to go on because she understands that we have one life our life and we have to follow the path that presents itself to us which is exactly what I have done and exactly what she has done it will be like we spoke yesterday and you think I am joking. I guarantee it will feel like no time has passed because we have a freedom a freedom of thought but an understanding that the things we put so much emphasis on in life are the things that matter least of all.

The experimentation... what has been my path? My path has been finishing my documentary which is now out there in the States and Canada something that has taken me three years to make and I finally made it to the finish line in the only way anything is achieved, with one aim without halt. My book is finished a book that has taken me the past year to write that is now complete. The film that I have been trying to get off the ground is about to go into pre-production. For me going on this journey is something I had to do. I have lived in a world of pure superficiality, Deals, money, lawyers, battles the worst kind of existence, the extreme of everything. I now know that this isn’t a bad thing where before I thought that it wasn’t necessary but it is all necessary for us to grow as human beings. It’s a balance of everything in equal measure to understand it all. The only way we can truly understand anything is by experiencing it ourselves. If we understand only one side of something it is never true, we have to understand both sides. Like war /battles these are just different perspectives, war is two people seeing things from different perspectives that is it in it’s simplest form if only we chose to step into the other sides shoes sometimes and see through their eyes how such a simple thing can bring about a world of understanding. So I guess my perspective on things is more knowledgeable. I understand the world of money, deals, gain the world of silence and listening and I understand the world of peace, serenity and freedom and truth.

The explanation - The one thing that I have understood with my own spiritual awareness is that I had an underlying knowledge through it all. An understanding that it would all work somehow. A certainty that that connection is always there guiding us showing us the way and we have to follow when we are told to go.

Where I am at now is at a point where I need to reconnect with the spiritual on the deepest level to understand the next step. The experimentation was the third stage the world of superficiality and now is the evolution. The evolution onto the next level if you like. The next level of awareness and understanding.

One thing I know for certain is one without the other doesn’t work, the key to understanding and peace of mind is to connect to the spiritual but to live in the masses, to live in the world of superficiality but still maintaining that spiritual connection in it’s strength and at it’s maximum with love in your soul. This is something I haven’t mastered as yet. The love bit yes that comes easy to me. But the rest this is something that I am learning that I am understanding gradually for me this is the meaning of life to understand you, your life, no one else’s. If we understand ourselves then we are in a place to understand others. To understand why you behave the way you do? Why you act the way you act? For me, what is the point of having your life if you have no understanding of the gift you have been given. So many things have surfaced in the past few months that I didn’t think were ever part of my being, my personality. I embrace them all when they come go through the pain and the joy in equal measure but the moment where I began to get lost was today no actually it has been the past few weeks but I have stayed in that confusion knowing I should meditate knowing I should go back to the tools I know can take me to the next level, but I didn’t I remained in the turmoil almost testing to see how far I could go and this was the most amazing thing I knew I could take the risk because I knew I had the tools to come back from the brink.

I am back but on a bigger journey again a journey into the unknown but one thing is for certain that journey will never be dull because it is Life and Life lived in the moment, to the full is the most precious gift, a gift that we should cherish with every part of our soul because we have but one life. Our Life and it is there to understand it all if only we choose to.

I haven’t written for the site for a while, purely because I have been living in the purely physical world for the first time in a long time. I haven’t meditated everyday, I haven’t written, I haven’t questioned everything. I have just lived in the moment in the rat race of life and what a difference. There are so many differences in the past month. It has been everything that I expected and also everything that I didn’t expect it has been heaven and hell in equal measure.

The main thing I have been dealing with is my goddaughters parents splitting up. Wow! This has taught me so much about life, people, adults, children etc... It has shown me so much about, human beings and most of all the incredible endurance and spirit of children. How children see so much more than we do as adults but how as adults we feel we know everything and we have to guide our children but maybe sometimes it is the children that guide us if only we choose to see them, to listen to them, to listen to their hearts because the hearts of children cannot lie. Children are truth in every sense of the word.

I have had my goddaughters on the phone to me every night. Their father left a few months ago and as we are all aware this is life, there are beginnings and endings to everything in life and sometimes things do just run their course, if all parties concerned are unhappy why stay living a life of misery, I totally agree with this 100%. I believe that if two people your parents who are their to protect and guide you, lose their way then whatever it takes to bring that balance back to the children it needs to be done, even if it means separation.

I know in many cases people are restricted by the religious beliefs and stay for all sorts of reasons and that is fine, but for me I see it as God is good, god is truth, god is happiness, god doesn’t want us to be unhappy therefore where there is truth there is happiness in the long run.

In my involvement with my goddaughters it has been the most heartbreaking experience for me but also an incredibly enlightning experience to see what amazing human beings they are. How their whole personalities have changed over night and that is no joke but at the core of it how as human beings our survival instinct kicks in and we do survive.

My problem comes with the parents. Now don’t get me wrong I totally understand the emotional impact something like this has on two adults but for me it’s about being selfless, if you truly love something, you come second, their needs, their desires, their safety, their security comes first. In this case it is the children that are providing this, they have become the parents, they have become the angry, strong ones they are the ones holding it all together and yet the parents think it’s them. They truly believe that they are the ones in control but it is the children.

I see it from all sides but Why? This is my question. Why can’t the adults see what the children see? Why can’t the adults see that their relationship has run it’s course that things come to an end when the time is right, when one door shuts, another opens, it is a lesson that life is teaching them, this is their path, this is their journey.

My youngest goddaughter said a funny thing to me she said “I don’t understand why my Mum shouts at us about my dad when he is the one that left us. Shouldn’t she be shouting at him isn’t it when you have done something wrong that you get shouted at. We have done nothing wrong. I don’t understand”

To me that says it all.

Lots of friends of mine parents have split up I now realise how fortunate I was as I have said before in my writings I didn’t get my heartbroken until I was 38 wow! Wow! Wow! I feel like a child. How blessed have I been. No one left me until I was 38 years of age. I left them. (which makes me feel ashamed in some cases as I didn’t deal with it in the best way) but I also understand that life taught me those lessons and I needed to be taught a lesson back. I am so so SO thankful for having my heartbroken because I went back and amended all the relationships with people I hurt after that one because I understood it wasn’t them it was me. There are so many other things at play with relationships.

It’s all about timing, people meeting at the right time, again I think this path is laid out for us if we pay attention to the signs along the way, we all see the signs, we all know the truth but it’s having the courage to see them through, many of us run and play safe but it never works.

The reason I know it never works is because I ran all my life and the past 7 years I stand and I fight for what I believe in. I stand firm and I will never never never give up in anything that I do. If I believe it I give everything inside of me and if it’s not for me it will never be mine and I have learnt that if it is not for me I will feel the loss I will feel the pain, I will suffer but I will survive and I will be exactly where I am supposed to be because what is rightfully yours will stay without any fight, I truly believe that the people who come into our lives we shouldn’t have to fight to stay, the ones that come and stay without struggle are the ones that are meant for us. We have no control over these things but we do have control in how we respond to situations.

The pain we cause and endure all lies in how we deal with the consequences of our actions. That is what most people aren’t prepared for they do the action but never think of the consequences and to throw a spanner in the works, the consequences are never as you imagined them in your head they always turn out differently, that is the key to deal with whatever life throws at you, knowing you will survive.

Going back to my goddaughters I can see if their parents just changed slightly. If they just listened to their children they would see with such clarity. I guess I had to write this because I feel that we don’t listen to children, we don’t see them, they have a voice, they have an opinion and they see through different eyes, because they are open they are free they are truth and honesty. We don’t listen as adults because we cannot deal with truth and honesty, We complicate it all by our feelings, we want to complicate it because it’s easier to do that. If we complicate it we don’t have to face it. If we complicate it we have a crutch. If we complicate it we are felt sorry for, we are the victim. Gosh writing this I sound so harsh, but it’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong I totally see how people do this because this was me all my life until 7 years ago. I was the victim and I made myself the victim. I was a nightmare.

When you face the truth and embrace it, and most importantly, when you change. Change is the word that everyone hates, but everything changes that is the only guarantee we have in life is that everything will and does change. The minute we can embrace that change life becomes simple. It really does. I feel changes all the time and I question I listen to my inner voice and if it feels right in my heart and in my mind, if they are one I go with the change no matter how traumatic, how stressful, how much I don’t want to at the time, I trust. I trust myself and if I’m wrong I will deal with the consequences.

It’s all about trust, trusting oneself.

I have been thinking today about the impact of having something like this happen when you are a child as I have never experienced it. It is hard for me to comment but seeing my goddaughters go through it, it has made me understand so much more. Is it a good thing to have your heart broken at this age? This sounds an insane thing to say but does it toughen you up, does it make you stronger? Does it make you fight? Does it make you not let people walk all over you?

If I compare this situation they are going through to my own childhood I was the opposite, I was timid, I was sensitive, I cried all the time, I hid. Maybe if my father had left I would have changed, life would have been easier in the long run. As you can tell I question everything, but it makes you think what if? My conclusion.

It’s all about balance and not getting stuck in those emotions. The two examples above are two extremes. Now if I had those two children sitting down in front of me I would give pure love to one and firm words to the other, I would guide them in a way that is right for each of them, individually because their paths are different, they are unique and they are individual. I think what we do we say “Oh well he’s like that because his parents split up, he will be like that for life, you never get over it”

Well I don’t agree I believe you do get over it, you choose to get over it, it’s just that most people don’t know how. The only reason I understand this is because I have experienced both sides of the coin, I have experienced pure love and I have experienced the harshest words at my lowest point in my life and both worked both worked for me because they were exactly what I needed at the time.

I guess I had to write about this because I have been living with it over the past month and I see, I see why my friends who’s parents split are so paranoid about never leaving their children, why they would endure horrific relationships just for the sake of saving their children that pain. I see that so clearly now, because I am living with two beautiful little girls whose hearts are breaking but I also believe that it is possible for two adults relationship to breakdown not for anything that is right or wrong, just simply that they no longer make each other happy and they no longer love each other in the same way. I believe that they can split and the children can come out of it beautiful happy human beings. It’s all in the hands of the adults to step back from their own emotions and become selfless for a little while because children see it all, when people stay together and there is no love there, the children see, when they split, the children see, when you talk the children understand, and when you hate, the children hate and when you love, the children love.

Today I have to write for the website I have to write the journeys and I have to do new writings. I am going to stay up all night as Anne is off on her trip to Palestine and it needs to be done before she leaves.

I just received a text in the middle of this from my eldest goddaughter saying her best friend who happens to be a boy has texted her saying “He can’t handle all this anymore” my words to her harsh though they may seem where. “My darling, people are only interested in happy people, it’s been 7 months and he has been there for you 100% sometimes people can only handle so much, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, he just can’t handle it, that doesn’t make him a bad person, give him time and space and maybe it’s time that you dealt with things differently, put yourself in his shoes over the past few months and see how it makes you feel”

Her reply to me was.. “Yes you are right, its all been about me”

See children see so clearly they want truth. I then felt horrendous about what I said, it’s ok to say these things and they do work but staying true to them is the challenge, saying “people are only interested in happy people” is harsh but true. When I couldn’t walk people were interested for the first few months and then they gradually disappeared at the time I was “Why?” Poor Me. But now I see it. I was horrible to be around, I drove people away. They weren’t bad people they were human beings trying to get through a situation in the best way that they could. My goddaughter has just texted again.... “Oh I ruin everything”

I have just texted her back saying...”What time do you get home from school tonight?”

She texted back. “I’m not going home I’m going into town”

I texted. “I’m driving down and I’m going to stay the night”

Her text. “Yes! yes! yes!” X

That says it all the truth works.

I have told her the truth and now tonight I will cook a cosy dinner, light the candles, hold her hand and hug her all night. I know there will be tears, but she has trust. She trusts someone cares and that is all we want as human beings to have someone we trust who speaks the truth when we need to hear it and holds our hand when we need to hang on.

The most amazing thing about life is that she will cry and I know she will cry real tears her real first love but I know that she will look back in years to come and smile. Isn’t that amazing that we cry with such pain and yet with time we look back and smile as I am now at my first love.

I love my goddaughters. They are AMAZING!

Love love love my obsession to understand it. If you have read my writings you will know that I am obsessed by that one unanswerable question. What is love? Well I thought I knew and now I have no idea. I thought I had experienced the ultimate in love and then something happens and makes me see it all so very differently. I am experiencing something I have never experienced before and feel so blessed to be having this experience, so very blessed. It is a bubble of bliss. I am feeling peace like I have never felt in my life. A complete and utter contentment, a sweet serenity in the depths of my soul. I am calling it a social behavioural experiment, which is exactly what it is but ultimately... it is peace, peace, peace, like I have never felt in my entire life.

I am at peace.

Where am I September 2009. I am in a different place to how I have ever been. Everything has changed. Absolutely everything. Everything I believed before or thought I knew has been wiped away. I see it all so very differently. This is what I am learning about this journey of life. I think it is one thing.. I think I know it and understand it all and then I see with new eyes and everything is different. I guess this is being in the moment living in the here and now when you are completely in the present you see only what is directly in front of you, you do not see behind, you do not see ahead, you see only now and now is all that can tell you how things are because everything that has happened to date has brought you to this very place that you are in... “The Now”.

I know I go on about how I am a completely different person to the person that I was for so many years and I am. The realisation I have had in the past month is that we get to a certain age and we say... “I have no control over things, it is fate, it is my destiny and many people say it’s too late to change anything, this is what my life is supposed to be, it’s not that bad, I have some good things, life is ok, it’s ordinary not extraordinary but extraordinary isn’t reality. I’ll just sit back and go with the flow, it’s all too late to change it anyway”. I agree with part of this but I see it a little differently. I believe we are guided by a bigger force be it god, spirits, angels whatever works for you but I believe that there is a higher power at work. I know there is a higher power at work because I have tested it so many times in my meditations.

Ok so you get that I believe in destiny, fate etc... but where I am now is that yes we have a path that we are put on and we walk that path but it is all about the choices we make and the amount of work we put in. If I sat back and said “ok I am almost 40 I have put in the work and I am where I am, there are things I want to change but it’s too late my path has been set and it is all in the hands of destiny” I could do that but for me that is the easy way out that is ordinary and I want extraordinary. I have been given the gift of life and I want to understand it, I want to live it, I want to see it, feel it, grow with it, evolve and expand. I want extraordinary but not for me for everyone.

The way I see it is yes whatever is meant for me will come to me if I put in the work, and then the rest is in the hands of god but the one little difference is... I ask.. .Yes, I ask for signs, and when I get a sign and I ALWAYS get a sign, it’s how I choose to embrace that sign, if I choose to trust myself, my instinct and my gut and that is the difference now I trust it 100%.

For example... I have spent the past two years attached to something from the past, living every day to the full, pushing with every ounce of my mind and soul to understand.. Why did this happen to me? Why I behaved differently to how I have every behaved in my life? Why I lost it so many times? Why I felt anger for the first time in my life? and Why I was consumed 24 hours a day trying to understand the situation I found myself in? but most annoyingly, Why it controlled my dreams? Almost 2 years of pushing through the pain, pushing through the turmoil, pushing through the not knowing, pushing through the knowing and then not knowing again, but I kept pushing because I know enough about life to know that that’s all you can do is keep pushing through the pain. What did Winston Churchill say... “When you are going through hell you just keep going.” (Oh! I love that quote:) Well I did. I kept going. Sorry! I have slightly gone off course as I always do but it will bring us back to where we need to be...

Destiny. Going back to destiny.... This is exactly what I mean. I put myself in the hands of god. I trusted I would get through it. I trusted if I paid attention to the signs I would get through and for the first time in my life I paid attention to every sign and this is where it was different. I paid attention to the sign and then this is the important bit. I asked the question “What do I really want?” If I choose this it will give me this. If I choose that it will give me that. What do I REALLY want? What is that voice deep down in the pit of my soul telling me? Then I made my choice with my heart, with all my heart, with every ounce of my being, with my gut, with everything that felt right.

Now where this is also slightly different is that years ago I would have heard that voice in my gut and known which one was right but I would have chosen the easiest option, the one with the less consequences the one with the less pain, not because it was right but because I was afraid.

This is the most amazing bit in the past two years I have followed my gut completely, my instinct for the posh ones out there. I have followed it completely, even when I knew that it could bring me more pain and today I am sitting here writing this knowing that my god it really IS the only way, to understanding our own purpose in this life.

It has been 2 years of the biggest rollercoaster ride to date. I have felt more pain than I have ever felt, more pain than joy I must say, but the joy I have felt has been on a level I cannot even begin to describe.

Today I am sitting here writing this thinking... Where am I now? I am in a place where I have given my everything to one particular cause, and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I have been selfless to the extreme and I have learnt that this was the right thing for me, the only way to the truth of the situation. I have the truth now and I am evolving in the way that it is set out for me. How do I know? I just know. I know because a huge shift has taken place, a huge shift in my understanding of people, of life, of the things bigger than you and I. I have given everything from a place of love and understanding and it didn’t give me what I wanted but it has given me peace, a peace of knowing that I gave my all. I followed that particular path, I learnt what I had to, I understood the purpose of this event (that is the most important thing, I understood the purpose of this event in my life) it is all in the understanding, when we understand it the fear goes away. I am thankful that life showed me this because I understand so much more about life, about ME.

It created the greatest change in me to date, a change that I would never have made without being forced to do so. The universe forced me to change and I embraced it and I changed. When I say I would never have created this change by my own free will. I wouldn’t because it meant I had to understand what it felt to hate and by nature I don’t have that in me because I always put myself in the other persons shoes always and understand their side of the story more than mine because I don’t matter or I believed I didn’t. This situation my feelings were involved so intensely that I had no choice but to put mine first, hence I understand the feeling of hate. Something I never want to feel again I might add.

Feeling hate is the most awful thing I have ever felt, it is debilitating, destructive. It is death. Death is the only way I can describe it. I had to feel hate to change I think we all need to have our hearts broken at least once in our lifetime. This had never happened to me before. I had been disappointed by people, I had been victimised, I had been abused emotionally, had traumatic things happen to me, as we all have at some point in our lives, but I had never been eliminated by someone by choice. I had never had someone say to me “Look I’m sorry I never want you to contact me again” when only months before they had told me that “They wanted me in their life forever”. I had never had anyone who just didn’t want to ever have anything to do with me again but I learnt that life has other plans sometimes.

Writing this today I realise who I am. I am someone who truly believes in the good. I see the good in everyone and everything, some people call it naive, I call it, actually I don’t know what I call it because I don’t know any other way. This is why I am so thankful for this person and this experience because they made me grow up, they made me become an adult (well sort of, I don’t think that will ever truly happen, or should ever really happen, oh I have so many thoughts on that one...another time.:)) They made me understand so much about who I am. They made me realise that I saw the good and it was the only choice I had. I saw the good and it was good, they are a good person and everything about it was wonderful, the joy, the pain, the growing, the evolving, the learning, the pain, oh! The pain! I learnt the most I have ever learnt. How can I not feel blessed. I understand ME more and what is the point of us being on this earth without truly understanding ourselves. That is the most amazing thing about people, when we connect with other human beings, but I mean truly connect with no barriers, how we all become mirrors for each other’s souls. What a wonderful gift to be a human being, to be given the gift of life, to be given experiences that change us, that truly change us, it is in our hands if we change for the better or the worse. Better is the only way forwards.

Today I am sitting here and I feel worthwhile again. I feel truly, truly alive, when I felt so definitely DEAD. I have put DEAD in capital letters because that is the weight of the death I was feeling. When I say dead it’s not how you imagine. I still got up, worked like a nutter. I turned it into the most positive I could. If you knew how much work I have done over the past 2 years it’s insane, 4 hours sleep every night but the darkness drove me on, the feeling dead made me want to feel alive again. I knew that I had felt death before. A different death, A death from being paralyzed, physically and emotionally at the time it felt like my world was over but my soul was still intact, but this was a death of the soul, it went so much deeper.

The only way I can describe it is...I was pushing constantly to feel life, I was begging for the glass splinter to be removed from my heart as quickly as possible but as you know with life it doesn’t work that way so I endured with patience and gradually, gradually, step by step it withdrew little by little, slowly with time and only with time could it have slipped out so effortlessly leaving just a scar on the surface.

Today sitting here writing this I know if I had withdrawn the glass splinter abruptly, vigorously, with all the anger and hate I was feeling the wound would have opened and I would have bled to death. So I guess what I am saying is time is the greatest healer. Wow! Did I ever think I would ever say that? No. I hate that expression, but it’s true. I hate the expression like I hate those two other words in the English dictionary, those two other words that are so true but so difficult to put into practice...Patience and Endurance... Ahh! I hate them but I know once we accept those two words, life becomes Simple. What can I say I’m still learning but I’m getting there.

Today I am alive and today I feel worthwhile but most importantly I have Love in my heart. My heart is open again to embrace whatever life decides to send my way. Thank you! I am not dead. I am alive. I am blessed. So very blessed.

Well I am in a place of complete and utter contentment. I have had so many realisations this week about the past couple of years. The only way I can explain it is I am at PEACE. I have found a peace with everything and everyone. It’s strange how life brings people into our lives, they create an energy, they bring us exactly what we need in the moment and some they stay, some they go but it is all for a purpose. I used to have a really difficult time dealing with this, people coming and going but now I totally understand it all.

We can possess nothing. We can control nothing, we have no right to control another human being. I have practised this over the past 7 years but now I truly understand it and I truly live by this. The things that change and happen within us when we truly understand other individuals and give them the freedom and right to be who they were born to be is incredible. When I say I have found PEACE. I have found a deep peace, something that is pretty un explainable. All I can say is that through all the hell of the past year. I kept the faith, I kept the belief, that whatever is meant for me will come and it will come at the right time. Somehow I have reached the place of understanding that all we have is faith and faith alone. I gave everything up to the things that are so much bigger than you or I and they have brought me to where I am today. Tonight I am sitting here alone. I feel complete, I feel one, I feel whole. I feel different to how I have ever felt in my entire life. I feel no fear, but differently. I feel safe. Safe in the understanding that I know that the path I am following is the right path. It’s funny, all the extreme emotions, the lunacy, the psycho behaviour, the frustrations, the turmoil, the pain, the going around in circles, the blaming everyone else, the worry, the fear, the feeling of wanting to please, of so wanting to fit in. I have none of them now. Not one. It has taken 9 years to get to this point of truly trying to understand the way we work, and anyalysing everything I have been taught to the extreme and I understand. As I have said many times before in the writings on this site I am an extreme, emotional person, or I was, completely, completely extreme and yet I have changed. If someone had said to me this time last year I would be sitting here feeling this kind of peace, I would have laughed. I cannot explain how I got here. I cannot explain what has happened. All I know is I had one aim, without halt, believed, believed, believed that I would get through it and embraced both the good and bad, the heaven and hell in equal measure. Not afraid to go into the darkness and sadness but also not afraid to embrace the light and joy. It all comes back to that same thing FEAR. We restrict ourselves when we live in fear.

I was thinking today about Change. How people say we don’t change? How people say this is who I am? I have always been like this? It is easy to say that, it gives you a crutch, the best crutch. I did that for so many years. You can change, if you want to, everyone can. Thinking back to this time last year in my lunacy, when I was going through my so very desperate faze of rejection, I was thinking, if people had met me around that time, they would have met a completely different person to the person sitting here writing this today. That’s why I always believe in giving people chances especially the ones that hurt you, because from when they hurt you they will have learnt from the experience and so will you. They will have changed, they will have grown maybe not in the right way but they will change in someway. We all deserve to have our faults and strengths embraced with the same openness. We all have faults every single human being and we all have strengths, the people around us, our surroundings all affect who we are, they are the face we put out into the world. For most of us our surroundings make us who we are.

So I guess where I am at is the people in my life and the people that surround me I give all the love I have inside completely, openly, willing them to be the best human being they can possibly be. At the end of the day when someone believes in you and really looks at you, they really want to see the real you, and they make you reach further, they challenge you, they show interest in you, then you can achieve the impossible. Every single one of us can. Everyone.

One person said to me the other day… “With you I have found peace” and my response “I have found a peace like I have never known with you, a bubble of complete and utter contentment. A serenity”.

Why was this? Because we spoke the truth from the moment we met. This person was at the same place as me on their journey. We spoke the complete and utter truth. Our conversation was honest and open, which made everything completely safe, so we could be our true selves. How amazing is it to be able to be your true self with another human being. How many times do we truly get that in life? We can have it if only we choose to change and see through others eyes as well as our own.

The choice is yours. I choose it and I found the thing we are all looking for. PEACE.

I have just looked back at what I have written and it is different to anything I have written to date. The feel, the tone.. that tells me something. I changed.