Love Overcomes Hate

Nothing is impossible

I had just left Qalqiliya in a shared mini-van that morning and was on my way to Faraa refugee camp but first I had to get to the bus station in Nablus to meet Nedal. This place is crowded, so many people, busses and vans everywhere, I couldn’t see Nedal anywhere so I wandered to a spot to sit and there I met 5 Palestinians who were so much fun, they all treated me with such respect and even offered me coffee...what a perfect way to be greeted into a new city, now that would not happen in London. I sat and chatted with them for a while and then went over to find a place to sit near the entrance near a little food stand to wait for Nedal who I had just received a text from saying he’d be there in about 10 minutes.

It was a gloomy day, the sky felt heavy...I love when nature does this, you see with your own eyes the flow of life, as the sky grows dark, the clouds become bigger joining one another in some sort of dance, spiralling in and out spreading larger and larger across the sky, water begins to form gently at first, just a few drops slowly falling through the sky until these drops multiply gaining momentum and falling faster and faster to our earth, bringing life to everything it touches. Water creates life, the elements of the earth restore us, they are a part of us, when it rains I love it, it is nature’s way of cleansing the earth and it also does the same for me, whenever it rains I feel rejuvenated. It’s always makes me feel as though I’m entering a new world.

Once Nedal came & after running a quick errand we got into a cab to take us to the camp and the whole while I was transfixed at the sky, and the way it was changing the scenery of the land as we drove forward. I felt so relaxed, so at peace, I felt a complete shift in energy, it really is amazing how each place I visited has its own energy and each energy I experienced I learned something new about myself. Driving through the winding hills to the camp took me back to The Peace Cycle and the boys from Qalqiliya, I had already experienced the road we were on because just two weeks before this was where we cycled and this was also how I met Nedal and his family for the first time because they hosted our entire team in their home.

Before I continue I have to send my love and all my thanks to his wonderful wife who managed to feed all of us and make us feel so welcome even though she had so many children to look after, including a new-born and she refused to have any help, she is an incredibly strong woman and I’m honoured to have spent time with her, and everyone in our group was so grateful for the kindness that was shown to us by all the residents of Fara’a refugee camp. That first night I was in their home I spent a lot of time with her and the children and they just kept making me laugh. She told me that I reminded her of some Egyptian actress and I’m not even sure if it was a compliment or not but I’m hoping that it was ☺. Sorry for that little ramble but I’ll continue my story now...

We finally arrived at the camp and turned into one of the tiny labyrinth type streets and got out of the car and walked the rest of the way to his home. As soon as I took my shoes of and entered their home I was greeted with so much love from the children and it felt like a little reunion and made me smile. Why did I choose to go back to Fara’a refugee camp? I’m not sure what it was but from the first moment I stepped foot there and walked through the camp, I felt at home, it reminded me of umm sayhoun which was comforting to me and I have learned that the only way for me to be exactly where I’m meant to be is to always listen to my intuition and the first thing I said when I went there was “I love it here, I have to come back” and so I did.

As soon as I had put my bag down we all went into the sitting room and had some tea, Nedal was going to take me to see the Theatre Group’s performance which they were going to perform in Jerusalem which was a big deal to everyone, because for many people living in the west bank it is there dream to go to Jerusalem but they are not allowed to because they cannot get the permission to do so and I was really looking forward to seeing their play but that wasn’t until the evening so we sat around and talked about the camp, I wanted to understand as much as I could but there was so much information to take in, being a refugee within Palestine has so many added issues other than the obvious obstacles they face due to the occupation. They also face discrimination within Palestine and this is something I could truly relate with because that is also how my family and friends in umm sayhoun are treated by their neighbouring communities and it’s something I have experienced firsthand on many occasions (but will write about that later ☺).

Being labelled as a refugee also creates social problems especially for the younger generation as they grow older and the time comes for them to marry, this has become an issue because many villages surrounding the camp do not want their children to marry anyone from a refugee camp as they are somewhat seen as less than human, as some sort of scavenger but hopefully with time this discrimination will come to an end.

There are now 4 generations of people who have grown up in the camp since it was created in 1948 after all their villages were destroyed in order to make way for settlements and now it feels like a community, a small village. When it was first established there were only simple tents and as recent as the 1990’s there wasn’t even any water.

I made the mistake of calling the camp a village and Nedal corrected me saying it’s not a village it’s a refugee camp. Of course it is and it really affected me because it made me see what’s happening and the psychological effect the situation has of never being allowed to return, it’s like being stuck in a state of limbo, not sure whether you are going or not and this creates a deep rooted uncertainty which no one should be forced to live with.

I really was beginning to see it as a village which to me made me think that is what the occupation wants, it wants the people of the refugee camps to feel that it is a normal situation for them to be so that they forget they are refugees, at least that’s what it felt like to me it truly felt like they want to erase them as refugees by making it feel a normal and acceptable way to live because that is what’s happening so many people are being born out of the occupation where they don’t know a different life and that is truly horrendous to me.

Nedal told me that when he was younger there was only one bathroom outside for the entire camp which was very difficult especially at night for the mothers who had to take their children to the bathroom in the dark especially when the children had stomach problems and they would have to run in and out of the house to try to make it to the toilet in time but then having to wait in long, long lines, the conditions were horrific but that’s how it used to be and slowly, slowly over time things changed.

When the people first came to the camp they believed it was temporary and refused to unpack their bags, they genuinely believed in their hearts that they would return to their lands at any day but those days turned into weeks which turned into months which turned into years and now it’s been over 60 years and they are still there. Even to this day it is in their hearts and minds that they will return and they deserve to return, they deserve equal rights, they deserve to have their own identity back.

Being born into an occupation where you are immediately surrounded by so much fear and tension has a huge impact on the individual as they grow up, they learn to become desensitized to the things around them and since they know no other way of life other than living under military rule, subjected to violence and humiliation on a daily basis becomes normal for them and living under an occupation should never feel normal. This occupation is truly a psychological war, it touches upon everyone’s emotions and thought processes reshaping them into something that is only creating a mental prison for the people of Palestine. I have spent years changing myself and facing my fears and overcoming so many different mental prisons I have created for myself and I understand how things we experience in life can shape us but the difference here is that I created my own prison but in Palestine the occupation is creating it, it is forced onto them.

I asked Nedal when did he realise he was in a refugee camp and when did he realise that his existence was different than that to others in other parts of the world? And he told me that his parents always spoke about it so that they would know and talk about the way their life was before the occupation and when he started to see the media and the news he began to learn about different ways of life and he realised that he didn’t have the same human rights that other people have.

Nedal is truly an inspiration to me, I feel that I have learned so much from him. He has helped create incredible changes in his community. He’s the director of the rehabilitation centre in the camp and when he shared with me the story of how that came to be tears began to form but not because it was sad but because it was so inspirational and moving. He is an individual who is so focused on helping his community where he thinks of everyone else before himself.

Just a few years ago one would never believe that there would be a place for people with disabilities. Because back then the community saw the disabled as a bad omen, a dark and dirty secret and families would hide them away from the public completely hidden from society. The people didn’t want others to know that they had a disabled or a handicapped person in the family because they had fears that it would affect their other children’s chances of becoming married. Of course this wasn’t the view of everyone but it was the majority.

They had absolutely no idea how they were going to be able to change this perception in people’s minds but they just did whatever came into their hearts and they managed to break down these barriers within the families of the community through acts of kindness and love by allowing everyone to feel truly accepted and to not feel that their situation is something that needs to be hidden from society, that these children aren’t any different than children who are born without disabilities, they just need a little extra guidance.

Now fast forward to the present where everyone is open about the disabled and the handicapped and instead of families hiding the children away they are taking them in on their own to the centre and it’s changed so much so that even individuals with barely any disability at all, maybe just a slight speech impediment all come to the centre to see how they can be helped, so that they can reach their full potential as human beings. They even have summer camps where they mix the disabled children with non-disabled children so that everyone feels part of a community and where everyone is treated equal and another thing that I loved was that they never ever use the word disabled in front of the children, they understand how that can create a weakness. The distant past where the handicapped children were hidden has faded into oblivion.

Hearing this story was so inspirational, I had tears in my eyes because it confirmed that we truly can achieve anything and overcome anything as long as we live a life of doing and keep moving forward. Everything in life begins with just one step, we just have to be willing to take that step and be brave enough to take the next one, and it really is that simple.

(I think this is a good place to end this piece so I will finish writing about the rest of the day later, I hope everyone is feeling happy today ☺)

As I’ve mentioned earlier my writings are not in any order, I’m writing about whichever experience comes to me in the moment and lately I’ve been thinking about my little adventure trying to cross the border from the west bank into Jordan...

On the morning of the 5th day it was time for me to leave Al Faraa Refugee Camp & Palestine to cross the border into Jordan (more writings about al Faraa refugee camp coming soon ☺...). As soon as I opened my eyes that morning, with a heavy feeling in my heart, I scanned the room which I was sharing with my friend Nedal’s three daughters who were still asleep & I looked at them and couldn’t help but smile at how peaceful all three of them looked in their sleep, what a nice place to be, completely relaxed and lost in a dream. I enjoyed this thought & for a moment my heart became a little lighter. I got up off my mattress on the floor and quietly climbed over the girls and left the room.

I had my morning coffee and thought to myself what an incredible time I had had over the last few days and how this family treated me with so much love and kindness, how I hoped they realised how grateful I was to have met them and how much they had all come to mean to me. After getting dressed, I checked that I had all my stuff packed and waited for us to get a call from a driver and once we got the call, around 7AM I said my “thank you’s” & “see you later’s” and had one last cuddle with the youngest who I had become very attached to before I had to literally rush out the door as Nedal was already outside waiting for me...I’m really not that good at goodbyes...the entire trip so far I had created a habit of not wanting to leave each place I went to and found myself lingering every time and this was no different, I found it hard to leave. It felt so strange to be leaving Palestine behind after all of the experiences I had had over the previous 3 weeks, it was melancholic.

It all happened so quickly that I hadn’t even had the chance to get my head around the details of the journey and the certain facts that I needed to know before crossing the border. I had already heard so many stories about the difficulties that crossing any checkpoint or any border may cause. I listened as intently as I could to all the information I was being told, on the procedure of crossing the border and going through the many checkpoints and how to deal with my bags so that I don’t lose them. I wasn’t worried though, maybe a little restless but it was out of my control anyways so whatever would happen I would have to flow with it anyways, and I was sure that I was going to learn something new and interesting along the way.

After saying good bye to Nedal, I finally got into a shared minivan to drive me to Allenby Bridge. Everyone in the car greeted me with warm smiles and immediately I felt at ease. At the first checkpoint, we had to get out of the car, leaving our bags with it and walk the rest of the way to go through the metal turn-table-like gates which really do make you feel like an animal while the van crosses on the road. Once through the gate, I was told I couldn’t cross because I’m not Palestinian and that I had to go to a different check point that the soldier told me was about a 1½ hour drive away.

I thought well this type of thing happens every day for the people who live here and it allowed me to feel the frustrations and uncertainty that they have to go through whenever one has to cross the checkpoints. Since my bag was still in the car and I couldn’t cross to get it, one of the soldiers had to do it for me. The driver of the car was such a nice man, he was waiting for me concerned and was genuinely worried about me wanting to make sure that I would be OK, he even gave me back the money I had paid for the ride.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do, I did have thoughts that maybe I wouldn’t be able to cross the border that day because it closes at a certain point but I figured whatever happens, happens. I saw it as an adventure! I called my friend, Nedal who told me not to worry that he’ll get another car for me and that he would be there in about 30 minutes. I retraced my steps to where I had gotten out of the car and waited on the side of the road. That morning it was very, very cold & the wind was incredibly strong. I happened to be surrounded by piles of rubbish and empty bottles of water kept hitting me in the face and a few times it actually hurt.

I was sitting there trying to light a cigarette which was almost impossible to do in those conditions when I saw two Israeli soldiers, heavily armed with massive guns walking towards me , I thought to myself what on earth could they want? I really didn’t feel like talking to them but they approached me anyways. I was sitting on the ground with my knees up to my chest trying to block out the wind and the morning sun so that I could actually see their faces and be able to talk to them.

Soldier: “Do you speak Hebrew?”

Me: “No just a little Arabic”

Soldier: “Are you ok?” (It must have seemed a little odd for an international to be just sitting on the side of the street dodging plastic bottles that are being hurled at her face by the wind)

Me: “I’m fine just waiting for my friend to pick me up.”

Soldier: “Where are you from?”

Me: “Sweden.”

Soldier: “Have you been to Jerusalem?”

Me: “Yes”

Soldier: “Well you should come back, that is where I live, and Jerusalem is a great place”

Me: “Well I’ve already been there and now I’m going to southern Jordan to see my friends”

Soldier: “Are you cold?”

Me: “No, I’m OK.” (even though I was freezing)

Before I had a chance to say anything he began to take off his huge weapon and put it right next to me on my bag ( I hate guns they make me uncomfortable and make me feel nervous), takes his hat off and puts it on my head. I was taken aback, I didn’t know how to react, on the one side it was a nice human moment between two strangers & I hesitantly accepted the hat. Now he takes off his bullet proof vest and takes of the fleece jacket he’s wearing underneath and places it on my shoulders.

The entire experience felt incredibly surreal to me, here were two Israeli soldiers who were so kind to me, who were trying to make me feel better and yet in my mind I had thoughts about how is this going to look like to all the Palestinians that are walking past me, I wanted to show solidarity, I wanted them to know that I’m on their side and I was worried what my friend would think once he arrived, sitting there with the soldiers clothes on.

The reason why it was challenging for me was because I knew that if I was a Palestinian woman sitting on the side of the street, he wouldn’t have offered me his jacket. There have been several cases where a Palestinian woman is literally giving birth in the car at a checkpoint and the soldiers do absolutely nothing to help them, not even in giving the woman a blanket, even if there were to be an ambulance right on the other side of the checkpoint they would just make them wait and not allow them to cross, instead they just watch the scene play out before them, so it was hard for me to be able to see it as a beautiful human moment. They wouldn’t let me say no to their offer, I didn’t have a chance to protest even though I tried to say I didn’t want the jacket but then I thought it was just easier to accept and plus the thought came into my head that I didn’t want to cause any problems because I was trying to get across the border.

The soldiers left me with the clothes and returned to their posts. I waited there and watched all the Palestinians having to get out of the cars so that they could go through the checkpoint and each person that passed me greeted me with a smile.

After about 40 minutes Nedal arrived and as soon as I saw him, I took off the soldier’s clothes very quickly, I was acting very strange because for some reason I didn’t want him to see me, so I ran over to the soldier to return his clothes and said thank you and ran back to the car.

As soon as I saw him, I couldn’t keep it a secret and told him the story about the soldiers and how weird it made me feel and he said, “Well we are all humans after all and it was a nice thing for them to do for you but that if It would have been a Palestinian they wouldn’t have done so.” I told him my worries I had for accepting it and he said, “It’s ok don’t think like that because at the end of the day you are a human and so is he and that is the way we should treat each other.” Hearing him say that made me realise what an incredible person he is, he does not have hate anywhere in his being and it’s not just him, I met so many individuals throughout the west bank who think the same who all believe that love is the way forward & that the way forward isn’t to hate the Israelis, they understand that hate does not bring peace.

Once we got into the car we headed off to a different check point about 1½ hours away which we were able to cross. As you look out the window all you see are the faces of soldiers peering into the car and the whole time I just kept smiling at them and I actually got a few smiles back, it was quite amazing because normally, they never ever crack even the slightest smile ...I just felt happy that I was going to be able to spend a little more time on Palestinian soil, there is definitely something very special about Palestine, there’s an energy that you can’t find anywhere else, & I wanted to absorb it as much as I could before I had to leave it behind.

We arrived at Allenby bridge sometime later after driving past the dead sea through Jericho only to be told that I wasn’t allowed to cross the bridge, even though the rest of the people from the peace cycle could with the exception of Lauren and Alex they were also turned away they told us that only Palestinians could cross so once again we were detoured and had to drive all the way up to the bridge in the north which was about another 2 hour drive but it was ok I was enjoying the little adventure. We got to drive through such beautiful landscapes but finally we reached a point where Nedal could no longer go, the road I needed to continue on he wasn’t allowed on since he’s a Palestinian.

We had to find an Israeli car to take me the rest of the way so in the middle of nowhere we found a place where we could swap cars. He was so worried about my safety and wanting to make sure that he’d find the right car & driver for me. Once a driver was found and he had his approval, I got in and we said our goodbyes. It really made me feel weird that I could go on this road but that he couldn’t; it stirred up feelings in me that I never had before. It felt so unfair and so prejudiced that my friend couldn’t come with me, that I had to leave him behind. It was such an emotional moment for me, it made me think of that classic image I saw as a kid with someone behind bars waving goodbye to their friend, it felt exactly like that. I just really hated having to leave him on the side of the street in the middle of nowhere just because he can’t be on the road I need to be on because he is not an Israeli...oh just thinking about it, is making me want to cry.. I just can’t believe that we still live in the world where this type of situation is a reality.

As the car drove off, I watched him become smaller and smaller in the distance until he was no longer there and that was when it hit me even more, I felt what they feel on a continual basis and that’s something people shouldn’t have to feel, its segregation, separating family and friends from one another and the psychological effects that has on the people is huge, it conditions you in such a negative way. Even nature was reflecting my inner feelings; the sky had become dark and the rain pounded on the windows, and all of a sudden it felt like winter, funny really because just 10 minutes before the sun was shining.

We continued on our way and arrived at another checkpoint, where we had to get out of the car, give them our passports or ID, take our stuff to be x-rayed, searched and for the car to be checked for bombs, they let me through pretty easily but my driver had a more difficult time, for some reason they just held him and wouldn’t let him through, but eventually they let both of us go. Even this constant reality has a psychological effect by being succumbed to that type of treatment over and over makes a person feel less than human.

As we drove away from the checkpoint, my friend sent me a text asking me to text him as soon as I arrived at the bridge. The entire time I felt I had such amazing support, and any feelings of worry were completely washed away. Once I got to the bridge I got another text asking me to text once I made it across safely. He was waiting for me in the same place where we switched cars just in case anything would have happened where I couldn’t cross and had to go back since we had already had quite the adventure that day of getting me across the border. It was so sweet but that is just the way everyone is here when someone has to go through a checkpoint. It doesn’t matter if it’s a Palestinian or an international, whoever the friend is who drives the person to the checkpoint will wait for that person until they have crossed even if that means they have to wait 5 hours for their friend to cross, they will wait 5 hours until they know their friend has made it to the other side safely. This is just how they do things here they really know how to support each other and show kindness towards each other, now that is something that the west could really learn from.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened once I got to the sheik Hussein bridge, as I found my way to main building where you have to go through passport control, a man approached me and asked me if I wanted VIP service, I laughed and said no thank you but he kept talking to me and then offered to give me VIP service for free, I just looked at him and asked him why? He just said, well why not? Since I’m a person who tries to always just flow with life I said ok, why not. I didn’t even know what VIP service involved but it was amazing because I didn’t have to deal with anything, the place was packed with hundreds of people wanting to cross the border and I was just able to pass through quickly and flawlessly, once through the Israeli border crossing, I was put into a car and driven to the Jordan border crossing where my luggage had to be x-rayed and then driven to the taxi stand where I hopped into a cab to continue my journey.

Having finally made it across the border with such ease after so many delays previously my world felt even more surreal. I sat speechless in the back of the taxi staring out the window looking at the dark sky and I felt such sadness to have left Palestine and everyone I had met behind. There are no words to describe everything that I was feeling in that moment, I felt as though I was in some sort of dream because at that moment I realised that I would never be the same again and that my life would never be the same again and I knew that my journey wasn’t ending but truly just beginning.

When I first met the boys from Qalqiliya I was in such a wide-eyed state of mind, being the first time I’ve ever been to Palestine I was so overwhelmed with so many different impressions. Just being in Palestine itself was emotional for me because it has been a place I’ve wanted to go to for almost 10 years. They were the first group of people in Palestine that we had a chance to connect with because as a part of the peace cycle we joined forces with them.

They are all a part of the Qalqiliya cycling club and their group is made up of about 20 young men most of them between the ages of 16-19, but with a few of them being a little older. We cycled with these boys for about a week from Jenin all the way to Qalandia checkpoint, through Al Faraa, Nablus, Qalqiliya, Bil’in and finally to Ramallah.

These young men are the most incredible passionate young people I have ever met ever in my entire life, they are pure love and yet their reality, their daily life sucks, their lives are so hard and that is why these boys deserve all the love and respect that we can give them.

They live in a village where the entire wall is just circling in on them, suffocating them in the summer because the wall blocks out any wind, their town is only 4km by 4km and the wall snakes around it imprisoning about 42,000 people into this tiny space and there is only one entrance to get in or out of the town, which can be closed at any moment. This is also a place where the soldiers presence is always there, here the soldiers enter their homes weekly.

They are living in a prison. Generation after generation are being born into this horrible situation of living in an occupied territory of having to live a life imprisoned by giant walls that suffocate their entire town, cutting people of from family and friends, cutting people off from opportunities to make money.

Not only that though they are also afraid to cycle on their own because they don’t feel safe, they have to worry about the extremist settlers attacking them. it is not uncommon for the settler to throw stones at them or try to push them off the road and this is a real threat that they have to face on a regular basis and by cycling with us we were able to give them a little bit of freedom where they could just cycle freely and to be able to let go a little bit and that made me so incredibly happy and it touched me to the core because it made me see how for granted I take my own freedom of movement.

When we first met them in Jenin, it was the first day of real cycling and I was already feeling a little nervous about whether or not I’d be able to keep up with everyone when Yousef, their team leader decided to make me the leader, I was trying not feel nervous about this prospect and tried to think of ways to get myself out of it but then I decided oh what does it matter, I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens and hope for the best.

I have to say I did pretty good until we started coming up to all the hills and then I would end up last but the boys were so good to me, encouraging me all the way and giving me such tremendous support and even pushing me up the hills, they would either grab my handle bars and drag me along with them or they would just place their hands on my back and push me up that way, it was great. I just kept hearing them yell my name, Mariam Mariam Mariam yalla yalla, you can do it, (BTW Mariam is my Arabic name, my best friend gave it to me during my trip to Um Sayhoun earlier in the year). Seriously if it weren’t for them I probably would have felt defeated!

I truly loved being a part of their team and to be able to experience what it’s like to be a part of a Palestinian cycle club. Yousef, their team leader is such a great guy and he has done such a great job with his team in encouraging them, teaching them discipline. Yousef has his own gym in Qalqiliya where the boys can train physically, which is so important for them because it gives them a focus and builds their self-esteem where before they had the cycling club there wasn’t really anything for these young people to do, imagine not having an outlet of any sort, of any way to express yourself...here they are able to do so in a group which has such positive effects all around. The entire team look up to Yousef and they all treat him with such great respect.

These young people, to be absolutely honest made my trip, they were the highlight, I was so honoured to be cycling with them on their own land, especially since most of them had never ever left their town of Qalqiliya in their entire life and To me that’s what it was all about, we were there for them and were there to support them and to give them that chance to be enjoy themselves without any fears dictating their thoughts. Cycling with them has to be one of the best experiences of my life so far because to see them truly enjoy themselves, to laugh, sing and dance, to be able to experience a moment of freedom, to hear and feel their enthusiasm humbled me to the core, it made me see how I am so blessed to have the freedom that I have, to be able to live my life the way I do and I will never ever forget that feeling that they gave me.

I will never forget the energy of the boys from Qalqiliya. Their energy is infectious, they are just exploding with pure energy, and they are young people with so much adrenaline, so much passion and when you are around that type of energy how could you not just want more because that type of energy fuels you. I love it! The thing is though everyone I have met there all share this type of energy and I have to say it’s addicting, how could anyone not want to be around that type of energy all of the time?

They know how to live in the moment and when you are living in the moment you feel everything so intensely because you are truly alive absorbing everything that comes your way without any thought other than what you are feeling in the present, it is a freedom. It is also nature’s way in allowing ourselves to flow with the natural cycle of life.

I felt such a strong connection to these boys, I adopted them all as members of my family and when we had to say our goodbyes to each other in Ramallah some of them had tears in their eyes, I even had tears in my eyes and my friend Khalid had told me the reason they became emotional was that it was symbolic for them because they had never met two blond women that were so nice to them before because they are only used to seeing blond women as Israeli soldiers who try to hurt them and imagine to have that thought in your head when you see somebody to immediately become fearful and untrusting, to have to experience that feeling of not being safe and instead to just automatically feel that they are going to hurt you just because you are a Palestinian... and when he told me that it made me cry.

I had felt such a bond and connection with them that I had to return to Qalqiliya to spend more time with them. So once the cycle was over I went back on my own and spent a few days there with them. While there I was able to sit down and ask them about their lives.

Video coming soon, I just need help with translating so I can create subtitles...so if anyone out there can help me, please send me an email!

Everything that is happening there is purely psychological and the soldiers go into these young people’s home all of the time and they come in the middle of the night wake up the children, barge in with their weapons drawn and force the entire family which can be up to 10 people or more out into the street.

This one boy he’s 16 and a half, he shared with me how the soldiers have been coming into his home continually over the last two years and he told me about one incident where the soldiers came into his family’s home, forced them outside while it was raining and it was also in the middle of the winter & made the men take off all of their clothes in front of the women which in their culture is forbidden for over 7 hours and this isn’t an unusual story, this is a story you hear over and over and over again. This is their normal life. Nobody deserves to undergo such humiliation on a regular basis.

Another boy told me that he felt jealous of us, jealous that we as The Peace Cycle could travel freely in his own country when he cannot, and this is his country, he should be able to travel freely, it touched me so much that he was so honest and open with me, it is so unfair the situation there, they truly are treated like animals. We take freedom of movement for granted in our society, the freedom to move, the freedom of just being able to visit a friend or the freedom of going to the hospital when we need to. It makes me cry when I think about it because it is so wrong to do this to people, and yet they have to continue to live this reality. I see them as my own family and I’m truly offended to the way they are treated because they are the most amazing people in the world.

There are so many human rights abuses that are happening, just the fact of being terrorized on a continual basis, being kicked out of your home for no reason at any time just to dehumanize you, to try to break you, to break your spirit, trying to make you feel less than human to be treated as an animal, the psychological affect that has on you in the long term is on such a deep level...it is just so disturbing and that’s why I get so upset when people talk bad about the Palestinians, it’s like as a whole they aren’t seen as humans.

How could anyone with a heart and even just a little compassion not feel for them and see that it is wrong to treat an entire people this way, maybe it’s because people who do not live in occupied territories cannot truly fathom what it would be like, maybe it’s just because they have no way of relating to that reality. Within our society, the media has created a false image of this situation leaving it almost impossible to get the chance to identify and relate with each other on the most basic human level. Without direct contact it's much more difficult for people to relate.

There were so many times where I was almost in tears hearing their stories because I was used to seeing them so happy and carefree and to actually hear their stories which gave me a completely different image, it made me see how strong these people are, and how incredible it is that they can still have so much love in their hearts and be able to continue their daily lives with a smile on their face.

Because the entire time I spent with them the previous week, it was purely in the here and now, we were all just enjoying ourselves, laughing and laughing without a care in the world but then to hear their stories made me only more passionate about the suffering of the people in Palestine, the occupation needs to end and it needs to end now.

The feeling of unity was so strong, the feeling of solidarity...I have to say I’ve never experienced the feeling of solidarity until I came to Palestine and that is a feeling I think everyone needs to feel in their life, that feeling truly has the capability of making you reach for your dreams and of actually achieving them...it is so inspirational.

While we were in Bethlehem, we visited The Shorouq School for the visually impaired. It was just opened in May of this year. The things that they are doing here is truly inspirational and not just inspirational in Palestine but inspirational for the rest of the world. It should be a model for others who are working with the visually impaired. It is a boarding school where there are currently 25 young primary students who come from all over Palestine, I met young children who were originally from Gaza, Ramallah and even very small villages.

The way they do it here is that the children live at the school during the week and spend the weekend with their families so they still keep that connection with each other which is unique to the way children are treated in Palestine when they have certain impairments because normally the children will become institutionalized and lose contact with their families, here they are taught how to be self-sufficient, how to take care of themselves so that they can live a normal life in society, they teach the children English, computer skills and daily life skills. They also work with social workers who are in contact with the families on a regular basis who help them understand any issues they may be facing.

It was a place I kept hearing about even before I arrived there. Saha had been telling me about it since the beginning of The Peace Cycle. She had already been there previously during the summer to help plant the gardens and make it nice for the children. Whenever she spoke about them her entire face would light up and it was the most beautiful thing to see and she kept saying to me how I have to go there to visit and to meet the children that they are just incredible. She knew the love for children that I have. Once I finally made it there she couldn’t have prepared me for how I was going to feel once I met the children.

These children are some of the most incredible children I have ever met in my life. Because they are visually impaired, some of them have no vision at all, they are pure feeling and I think that is why I connected with them so easily.

This one little girl in particular she was new at the school and going through the feelings of being homesick. She had only just arrived 4 weeks before and she was only 3 or 4 years old, without any physical vision at all and she completely took my breath away, she has grabbed my heart and placed it in her pocket. She was so incredibly inquisitive, she was a bubble of pure vibrant energy, her hands were all over my face, touching me so she could feel who I was, her hands were moving at the speed of 100miles per second, and all she wanted was to be close. I loved her so much and there was another boy who just reminded me of that sweet little boy in Jerry McGuire. When I saw Saha I had tears in my eyes because she was so right I loved it there and the same little girl who had my heart also had hers and was already attached to Saha...she would just sense her out and find here wherever she was, even if that meant going upstairs. Saha is such a huge inspiration to me, she has such a pure heart and she herself is Palestinian.

I didn’t want to leave them, I felt so at home there it was exactly where I wanted to be in that moment, our group continued their tour of the school and I just lingered with the children, I didn’t want to leave, I really didn’t want the moment to end but I managed to leave just in time to make it over to Dr. Ali Dabbagh’s presentation of the Oyooni Mobile Eye Clinic. And I just have to say that Ali is one of the most charismatic, inspiring and genuine individuals I have met, everyone who meets him cannot help but just love him. If you all remember this was the cause I was raising money for when I joined The Peace Cycle. Dr. Ali has a space at the school where he’s able to examine diabetes and glaucoma patients and also offer further specialized eye care.

The work he does has helped so many people which is so nice to see and just shows how if we have a dream of creating of something that all we have to do is begin, he started with nothing, just a dream and now he’s able to help so many people all over Palestine.

After he showed us his equipment and how it all works we continued upstairs to meet some of the older children who were in the middle of a lesson. While there Alex wanted to sing them her song and she’s so sweet because every time she sings she closes her eyes so that she can’t see anyone, every time I saw her do this I couldn’t help but smile. When she had finished her song, the children sang a song to us, we shall overcome and I have to say, I became overwhelmed with emotion just like everyone else did, it was just such a beautiful moment.

To see these children while they were working and being able to spend time with them were more moments that I will cherish, here are children that not only are living in occupied territories and have to deal with all the consequences of that but are also faced with greater challenges and yet they are happy, and full of love. A lot of this has to do with the way they are treated by the staff, there is one teacher for every 2 children I think and everyone there is filled with such love and patience that these children are truly beginning to flourish, it’s truly an incredible thing to witness.

(Since I’ve been back in London I’ve been trying to write...I’ve been trying to gather all of my thoughts together but I’ve been so excited because so many things have happened that it’s been a little difficult to figure out where to begin....my mind has been going onto to so many different things..It feels like information overload... So the way I’m going to tell you about my journey will not follow any particular order, I’m just going to go with wherever my mind & heart is telling me to go so the way I will post my experiences will jump from experience to experience and not necessarily in order.)

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, what a place, I’m finding things really overwhelming. I woke up feeling so sad and heavy because of what happened last night with the settler, last night I was fine but I think it was adrenaline and shock and this morning I realised what really happened.

I’ve cried so much today, sitting in the old city with the Palestinians I just couldn't stop crying. I don't like it here at all. It’s the most segregated place in the world. Ok the energy is incredible and so powerful and spiritual but there's too much suffering and racism and unfairness that it doesn’t feel right to enjoy it. I just want to leave here it's just too much for me.I can't deal with it right now. I think it's probably because it's my first time here but I’m finding everything so hard. I don't want to hate anyone or judge anyone but I really feel that I’m truly being tested. I don't feel safe in western Jerusalem I only feel safe in eastern Jerusalem which is Palestinian, yet they are treated like second class citizens. It’s horrible and I’m so sad. I just can't stop crying. I just started crying again trying to write, I feel like I can’t even write, I feel such a block. It’s just too much to take on all at once. I just want to go back to the west bank; here I’m feeling so overwhelmed. It’s so hard. All the Arabs I have met are filled with such love and I hate to say this, and I mean that I really hate to say this and I don’t want to say this but I don’t feel the same love coming from the Jewish people, there are a few that I have felt the love from but they have been a minority whereas I have felt the love from every single Arab that I have met. I can never and will never turn my back on the Palestinians.

Me, Lauren and Alex walked into the old city, through Damascus gate, and the energy I could feel was incredible, it literally felt like my feet weren’t moving yet I was walking, I felt transported to another place. We took our time walking down the cobbled streets saying hello to all the passerby’s and shopkeepers. I went and had tea while Lauren and Alex had found a coffee shop near the entrance to the mosque, she told me to come with them but I had just ordered and was waiting for my chai. 15 minutes later I also went to the mosque, the dome of the rock. It was Friday so anyone who wasn’t Muslim couldn’t enter but just to see it was enough to create a strong emotional response in me.

Israeli soldiers stand guard at the entrance and every so often a Hassidic Jew tries to come in but they aren’t allowed so they stand at the bottom of the stairs praying out of their torah. They believe that once the dome of the rock crumbles their messiah will come; they have even built tunnels underneath the mosque to weaken its foundation. Sitting down looking at the mosque aware that most of the Palestinians I have met will never ever get a chance to be as close as I was, was too much to bear, to be able to visit Jerusalem is a dream for them..it is the one place so many people say is their number one dream to be able to go to..it is their spiritual place...and I know how that longing feels like because that is how I feel with my village and for me my village with the Bedouins in Um Sayhoun is my home, it is my spiritual home and if someone told me I wouldn’t be able to go there, a part of me truly would feel empty and this is how they feel this is their sacred place and I just couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. The occupiers play on peoples religious beliefs; use it for power, for control. It’s what people believe in, it’s what’s sacred to them and It’s a feeling the people hold deep in the depths of their soul and to use that as a form of control is absolutely horrendous, it doesn’t matter what your religious beliefs are, it is wrong to create any type of emotional prison onto anyone.

I couldn’t help it the emotions I felt were so strong, I felt such a spiritual presence, I wasn’t even sure of the reason for my tears. The owner of the coffee shop came over with tissues which just made me cry even more. He laughed. The men sitting across from us smoking argylas just looked at us crazy blond white women who can’t stop crying (I forgot to mention that Lauren had had the same exact reaction just 10 minutes before I arrived) but I felt a connection to them and I would see them smile at us showing us that we touched them and they respected us, there was such a strong feeling of solidarity.

I had to use the bathroom and they told me to go to the Wailing Wall that there is a nice bathroom there and to get there I only had to walk about 100feet maybe less. I had to go through security where they searched my bags, on the other side I felt nothing it felt superficial, I got yelled at for accidentally walking down the men’s side of the wall, a woman came over to me putting a blue cloak over me telling me where the woman’s side is but I didn’t really want to go down there so I kind of just stood there for 10 seconds staring at the people praying at the wall and just left. I gave the woman back the blue cloak and she seemed upset and suspicious to why I was leaving so soon. As I walked back to the east side I didn’t have to go through security, I just passed right through; the security is there to only protect the Jews from the Arabs. Walking through I cried again, it just hit home how racist and segregated Jerusalem is. I felt so emotionally drained and exhausted.

The rest of the day stayed the same, I cried so much, and it felt like a huge release. After hanging out for a while in the old city, i decided to go back to the hotel while Lauren and Alex went to visit some of the churches, I was just in a really strange head space and just needed to be alone, after having spent some time doing some work, the three of us went to a friend of Lauren’s and had a wonderful meal and I have to say this truly brightened my day and I began to feel so much better, the love that was oozing out of this entire family was to be commendable. Looking out his window you could see the wall snaking around the entire city, everyone on every level of society is affected by this occupation and the settlers are moving in surrounding his village.

The next morning, Saturday, Alex and Lauren left. I wandered the streets meeting so many beautiful people, it was hard to make it very far because everyone wanted to invite me for tea, coffee or falafel. I heard the same stories over and over, how the occupation is affecting them. How the settlers have taken their land and homes, but at the same time they have so much love in their hearts. I heard rumours circulating around town that the settlers were going to attack El-Aqsa mosque the following day.

So the next day around 9am I went into the old city through Damascus gate and I saw big black smoke in the air coming directly from the old city. I wanted to see what was going on, I think that the smoke was from tires being burnt by some of the young Palestinians, and I walked through the gates and there were still shops open. I turned up via dolorosa because I wanted to see what was up there and all of a sudden the power shuts down and everything goes dark because in that area everything is inside.

I found my way back to the place I liked to have tea which is directly in front of the entrance to the mosque near the wailing wall entrance but I had to take a detour because the Israelis had blocked that street with a barrier and I couldn’t go that way so I had to go in a roundabout way to get back there, there were soldiers everywhere but before that I met this Palestinian who lives in the old city and I had tea with him and was introduced to his family and he gave me bits of information to what had happened and after a bit I wanted to leave to see for myself what was happening and went back and sat down at my little self-proclaimed spot where I just loved having tea on a little white chair with another chair as my table and just sat and watched the people pass by.

As I was making my way down El-Wad Street, just passed Via Dolorosa, I found myself in a middle of a riot. There were so many soldiers and here obviously all the shops were closed, there was no announcement of what was going on and if you went just one street over you would never know that something was happening here. The tourists were completely oblivious to it although I never saw any tourists and if there had been an announcement of some sort I didn’t hear it, but the soldiers were blocking a street and not allowing anyone to leave or enter it and you could feel all the tensions, all the uncertainty and the soldiers seemed so overpowering with their vests & their weapons, standing around in all their gear.

At this point I didn’t have my camera so I had to go back to my room to get it but first I asked one of the journalists who was there what had happened and he quickly replied oh it’s the Palestinians, they started it by throwing stones, I mean the propaganda I kept hearing was appalling and this is what they would say to anyone who asks them that it’s always the Palestinians fault, that the Israelis did nothing and then those tourists will go home and tell all their friends that they were there when the evil Palestinians caused a riot pushing the belief into the consciousness of the people that the Arabs are terrorists. I even said to the journalist that I heard that some settlers were going to raid the mosque and he just snapped at me saying there were no settlers yet that day the Israeli soldiers used crazy weapons on the Palestinians such as stun grenades which are nasty, they make a sound a blast that both deafen and blind you for about 2 ½ minutes and they leave a ringing in your ear and a stinging in your eye and you feel a complete shock, it completely stuns you. I even had read reports that some women were even hurt by the soldiers.

For a full news report click here

The whole time I was there I could feel I was being watched, I could feel the secret police everywhere and it really made me feel uncomfortable yet I was super calm and fine but I could just feel so many uncomfortable things, I feel everyone and I know when somebody is lying to me I feel it instantly, once I had gotten my camera I went back to the same place and took some photos and watched the soldiers blocking the street, watching children with looks of pure fear in their eyes and even seeing some children with completely bored expressions on their faces which made me so sad because to them this is just normal and i’m sorry but no child should ever feel that it is a normal situation, the children are becoming so desensitized.

The soldiers had also blocked the entrance to the mosque so no one was allowed in or out and I became so moved when a group of elderly men began to pray directly in front of the riots in the street, it was so symbolic to me, and it was such a peaceful action of resistance, I was so incredibly moved by the scene that was playing out before my eyes that I couldn’t help but feel the love that exists in so many of the hearts of the people there even when they are in the middle of a very uncomfortable situation. Once I had observed enough here I decided to return to my spot across from the entrance to the mosque and at this point everything was closed except for my little falafel stand that I liked to get tea from so I sat down, it took him longer than usual because he wasn’t even in the stand, there was so much going on, the soldiers were standing guard behind and in front of a barrier that they put up in front of the entrance to the mosque and just think of all the businesses that are losing money because of this and this is a normal occurrence where the shop keepers never know when they have to close shop, this incident could go on for days no one knows.

So I was just sitting there watching the soldiers across from me, for some reason I just wanted to feel that environment to try to understand what it feels like but I never once thought that it was a weird thing to do until my friend Lauren pointed it out to me and then it made sense to me that secret police would want to know what I was doing, but I really didn’t see that at the time. Now looking back at it all I see that it was maybe a little odd that I chose to sit there having my tea watching the soldiers and just smiling at them when there were absolutely no tourists there or anything but to me at the time it really felt like the most normal thing I would do, that’s my spot to have tea and I like it there.

This time I wore normal western clothes and left my Palestinian flag and bracelet and kefiya at home, I didn’t want to create a problem. As I was sitting there minding my own business playing hide and go seek with this little girl on the corner the creepiest guy I have ever met came up to me, ugh just remembering him makes me feel sick, I had already seen his face that day so I immediately knew who he was and who he really is which is secret police and he passed me and stopped in front of me and said oh that looks like a really nice cup of tea and I was in my own space and really didn’t want to talk to anyone I just wanted to be left alone but he lingers and stands right in front of me without leaving then he decides to sit down and order himself a tea, he looked Israeli, had a shaved head pretended to be a college student from Canada in his late 30’s but I knew everything that was coming out of his mouth was a lie..he was just creepy...it’s a psychological war everything they do and say is to try to create a reaction of fear or nervousness from you, they try to create a certain emotional response within you, I see it so clearly because I work with human behaviour, that’s what I do so he started asking me questions like what I’m doing in Jerusalem, how long I’m going to be there, what do I do, etc...I told him I was just here for the weekend, that I was from Sweden and that I’m a healer.

About 5 minutes later, he demanded me to give him my hand and I asked why and that’s when he decided that he could magically read palms because it was something his grandmother had taught him. he pretended to read my palm and told me that I live a double life and that I am filled with so much worry and fear and I couldn’t help it but it made me laugh, just the look on his face was so transparent and I told him that he was lying to me and that I know you don’t read palms and then he began talking about how everything is Palestinian propaganda and started getting into politics and I told him that I don’t know anything about politics and that I’m really not interested in what he has to say but he continued anyways telling me how the Palestinians are bad.

He treated the Palestinian man who served him tea in such a rude way, I could feel that he hated him, I could feel him so clearly, and on top of that it’s not a normal situation to be in when there are riots and soldiers everywhere for a person to come up to me and just talk about the weather and superficial things. The first thing a person would say is oh wow what’s going on here... it’s so psychological because if he would have done what he did to me to someone else he could really have scared them and made that person paranoid, because they are trained to fuck you up emotionally and psychologically, it’s horrendous and his energy was so dark, so evil, I felt so much hate and apathy. Once I finished my own cup of tea I got up and left.

I was in a really weird state of mind, I felt stuck in Jerusalem as if I was paralyzed, I wanted to leave but I just couldn’t do so, it just felt like too much effort to get out, it’s so oppressive the energies that are floating around there...it was when we arrived in Jerusalem that everything began to come together for me, when I could see and understand all the racism that exists there because to me it really is like 1950’s America and to me there’s not a better description than that, and i apologize if that offends anyone but I can’t think of a better term...

Now take the Palestinians aside, take away their label, take all those things aside and make it all about being human and it boils down to the west against the east the whites against the Arabs... It’s disgusting and I had absolutely no idea that it was like that until I had the experiences that I had. It made me feel shock that I didn’t see it so clearly before but I understand that you never get certain understandings until you are ready to and I wasn’t ready to see that until we arrived in Jerusalem. The way I felt there was horrendous even just going from the mosque to the wailing wall to use the toilet made me emotional and the settler from the day before. But in a way it’s amazing because now I have gained an understanding of a situation that I didn’t have before and since I’m an extreme person everything that I experience has to be the extremes too otherwise I won’t get it.

After that I don’t really remember what I did but I think I just went back to the hotel and I ended up staying at the same hotel even though I had wanted to change because I just couldn’t deal with it, I mean seriously I couldn’t deal with anything. I was just on auto pilot, completely calm and relaxed but it was like I was in a prison. I didn’t feel free, it was the first time in my life where I didn’t feel safe, I wouldn’t feel safe walking around in western Jerusalem, I only felt safe in eastern Jerusalem. The change between the two sides is so massive, you see the difference between just one street and the next, the Jewish side is all nice where the Arab side isn’t.

I just remembered what happened on my walk home, I crossed the street from Damascus gate and walked right and as I was walking someone in the bus had thrown tear gas at one of the Palestinians on the side of the street. This happened right in front of me and everyone was covering their faces. The thing that really struck me about this was that no one really reacted, everyone continued doing whatever they were doing. People were walking past, continuing on with their shopping as if it was the most normal thing in the world... I found it absolutely shocking especially since it made me feel that I had been living in some sort of bubble my entire life so unaware of the situation that is really happening here.

Sorry I went on a little tangent there but back to the differences I felt. When I’m in east Jerusalem I feel the love and the welcomes from everyone in their little shops but as soon as you step out of east Jerusalem you enter an entirely different scene, you enter a place where everything is modern, the old street charm just vanishes, it doesn’t feel like it has a soul, to me it made me feel that the world is trying to wipe out anything traditional to make way for materialism...